botched villainy
by juliet agn
Summary: A screaming world, two people, and their crappy marriage. "I'm seriously planning on knocking your brains out. Then eating them."


**botched villainy**

**notes: thanks for clicking on this story. don't worry, i don't have any clue about what's going on either.**

**disclaimer: i do not own naruto.**

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_Gunshots_. A screaming world, two people, and their crappy marriage. _A sweet, sweet fantasy._ "I'm seriously planning on knocking your brains out. Then eating them."

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Gunshots.

Sakura Haruno _loves_ the sound of gunshots, because they make her heart go _boom-boom_ and her adrenaline rush and she just gets this _feeling_, this epic feeling that she's in the middle of a war and is out to save the world.

The feeling usually disappears once she realizes that she's just playing a video game, but _still, _it's _there_.

She'll sometimes go out to the nearest club and sit in her car a few blocks away and just listen to the _boom-boom_ of the bass and pretend that it's gunshots and she's in a super car, ready to go and end the battle and save the day.

She's nodding her head along to the _boom-boom_ and smiling, when someone knocks on the window of her car.

Locked up her fantasy, Sakura doesn't even think about the repercussions of opening the window until it's all the way down. She suddenly blinks in fear as a man says to her irritably, "What are you doing?"

She stares at him for a moment. He's a sexy, sexy man, she realizes, with his sharp cheekbones and black hair brushing over them and piercing dark eyes. He's even sexier irritated, an expression that mars most faces making him look like Ares or something. And Sakura loves Greek mythology.

"Come again?" she says, though she heard what he said. She just wants to hear his voice again. She's a sucker for pretty boys with pretty voices to match, and she so likes his.

He blinks a couple times, long eyelashes fluttering up and down. "You're in my spot," he grouches.

Sakura is suddenly hit with another fantasy- _what if he likes to listen to the bass, too?_ "Are you listening to the music?" she asks him.

A blank expression overtakes his features and he just stares at her before admitting, "Yes." Sakura smiles and gets out of her car, sitting on the hood and saying, "We'll listen together.

He cautiously sits next to her and they listen to the music together in silence for a long time.

After a while he gets up and says that he has to go. Sakura smiles a goodbye at him and says, "I'm Sakura."

He hesitates before saying, "I'm Sasuke."

And he disappears into the night.

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She wakes up the next morning in her car in the parking lot of a supermarket. She wakes up because of a tapping against her window. She rolls it down and sees the same man from before- Sasuke. "Why are you everywhere?" he asks her with irritation.

"We've only met once," Sakura says, finger combing her hair to be more presentable.

He's still frowning. "You don't live in your car, do you?"

"No," Sakura says. "Not normally. I ran away from home, but I'll be back and living in a house soon enough.

"That's not right," he says.

Sakura pops the door open and invites him to sit next to her in her car (a red, beat up Honda). He declines, standing over her with his arms crossed.

"I don't like to be confined," Sakura explains. "I like to get out every once in a while."

"You can't do that once you go to college," he says. Sakura shrugs. "Are you in college?" she asks him. She's only a senior in high school.

"I graduated this year," Sasuke says.

Sakura blinks. He's cute but _waay_ older than her and he's probably not interested. "You look younger than twenty four," she tells him.

"Thank you," he says stiffly, like he can't decide if she is complimenting him or not.

"You're welcome," she says.

Silence envelops them.

"Do you want to listen to the music together tonight?" she asks him.

"I have-" He cuts himself and lets out the tiniest bit of a smile. "Sure."

He has a beautiful smile.

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Sakura is having fun, sitting on the hood of her car and listening to music with Sasuke. He lets her put her head on his shoulder, and she feels so comforted, and she never wants to leave. "You're a cool guy, Sasuke," she tells him.

"Okay."

She giggles.

"What?" He turns his head to look at her; all he sees is a mass of pink hair, but he sort of likes the pink hair.

"You said 'okay' in the blandest way possible, like you didn't care that I thought you were cool," she giggles.

"I don't."

More giggles.

"Why are you laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at how cute you are."

" . . . Cute?"

"Yep. The tough guy thing you have going on is pretty cute."

"Thank you?"

More giggles.

After that, they spend a few more minutes just listening.

"This is sort of a sweet fantasy for me, you know," she says matter-of-factly.

He nearly chokes on his spit. "A _fantasy_?"

"Yeah," she says. "I'm with a hot guy and doing my favorite thing to do. What could be better?"

"What if Superman came out of the sky and asked you to be his bride?"

She giggles again. "Where did you come up with that, Sasuke? I'd tell Superman to stop trying to cheat on Lois."

"What if a villain asked you to be his bride?"

She smiles, but he can't see it. "Well, you'd protect me, wouldn't you?"

"What if _I_ was the villain?"

"You're not a villain." She lifts her head from his shoulder and adjusts her position so that she is right in front of him and staring right at him. Even through the darkness, he can see her bright green eyes. "What are you getting at, Sasuke?" she asks him, tone serious.

He doesn't respond for a while, staring at her pretty eyes, the gorgeous way she looks when she is upset. "Nothing," he says. "I was just kidding."

It is a good enough response for her, so she flops back down on his shoulder again. "I like this song," she says, even thought she can only hear the bass.

His eyes drift closed. He likes this song too . . .

Both of them hear a rushing sound, and they jerk their heads up to see _Superman _float down and hover over them. Sakura's mouth opens and closes several times and Sasuke just stares.

"Sakura Haruno," Superman says. "Will you be my bride?"

"I- I-" Sakura stammers while Superman hovers patiently. She glances over at Sasuke, who is expressionless. "You- you should stop trying to cheat on Lois," she tells Superman.

He shrugs and flies away.

Sakura turns to Sasuke, beginning to say, "What the hell?" when suddenly, a huge crack appears in the road. Sakura shrieks and grabs onto Sasuke, who barely even moves.

A large, black carriage pulls out of the hole, drawn by dead and rotting horses and carrying a large man in a black cape. "Hades," Sasuke whispers into Sakura's ear. She clutches him tighter.

"Sakura Haruno," Hades says with a tone devoid of any emotion. "Will you be my bride?"

Sakura looks up at Sasuke in a wordless plea for him to protect her, so he sighs and says, "Go away, Hades."

The Lord of the Underworld shrugs and sends his carriage back down the hole, sealing it up behind him.

Sakura sighs in relief and lets go of the death grip she has on Sasuke, but then tenses back up like a string being pulled. "What was the last thing, Sasuke?" she asks him furiously, grabbing the collar of his shirt and shaking him. "What was the last thing you said?"

Suddenly, she lets go of his shirt and draws away from him. "Oh no," she whispers.

"Sakura, I'm not a villain."

"Yes you are!" she yells. "Superman came, Hades came, and now you have to be a villain!"

Sasuke lifts an eyebrow, and he looks super sexy, but Sakura makes herself think past that. "Don't hurt me!" she cries. "I have a switchblade in my back pocket!" She takes out the blade and brandishes it around.

"Why do you have a switchblade?" Sasuke asks, sounding more amused than anything else.

"To protect myself from villains!" she exclaims. "Go away, villain, before I knock out your brains and eat them!"

"How do you intend on doing that?"

She huffs and points the blade at him. "Don't provoke me! I have the advantage here!"

Sasuke snorts and slides off the car to walk over to her. Her eyes grow wide and she takes a step back. "Get away from me," she says, though it is beginning to sound feeble.

"Sakura." Suddenly, Sasuke goes down on one knee and pulls out a ring. Sakura gasps when she sees it. It is a silver ring set with black stones. Sakura wonders who Sasuke robbed to get that ring.

"Sakura Haruno," Sasuke says, a tint of mockery in his formal tone. "Will you be my bride?"

Sakura gapes like a fish before collecting her confused thoughts. "Hell no!"

She stomps off. Sasuke looks very confused.

"Sakura," he calls, getting up and following after her.

"Don't follow me!" she yells, waving her switchblade around. "I'll eat your brains!"

He grabs onto her shoulder and whirls her around. Her switchblade come slashing out but he knocks it out of her hand. "Dammit," she mutters.

"Marry me, bitch."

She looks up at him, first shocked, then angry. "_Excuse me?_"

"Marry me," he repeats.

"I- I don't _know_ you! And you're a villain!"

"Marry me," he says again.

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"Why are _you_ so stubborn?" He moves closer to her, and she moves back and that repeats until Sakura traps herself against the wall of a building and Sasuke is so close to her. His head tilts forward and his lips brush over her neck as he whispers, "Marry me."

_WHOA, BOY!_

"You're a creeper villain," she says to him.

"Say you'll marry me and I'll leave you alone."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

He rubs his cheek against hers; she jumps and tries to flee, but he grabs onto her tight. "Say you'll marry me and I'll never bother you again," he says seriously.

Sakura sees this as a golden opportunity. "Okay!" she says. "I'll marry you! Now go away!"

The tiniest bit of a smile returns and he slips the ring onto her finger before moving away from her. She examines it with a frown, and then turns the frown on him. "Now can you please go away?" she asks him irritably.

"No."

"_What?_" She practically yells. "You said you would!"

"I lied."

"You- you _bastard!_" In her anger, Sakura tries to remove the ring, but it doesn't budge. "Why won't this come off?"

Sasuke shrugs. "Because I don't want it to."

"What are you, _God_?"

"A unicorn will come through here in ten seconds," Sasuke says blandly.

Sakura waits ten seconds, and a unicorn comes thundering by.

"That it _so _coincidence-"

"That unicorns exist?"

"Um, no, your creepy psychic powers!"

Sasuke rolls his eyes at her, and suddenly grabs her and pulls her into her own car, him in the driver's seat. "Come on, Sakura," he says, and steps in the gas. The car lurches forward at eighty miles per hour. Sakura shrieks. "Sasuke, slow down! You're going to kill someone!"

"No one's out," he says calmly.

"Where the hell are we _going_?"

"You'll see."

"You'll see? What the hell, you bastard-"

Sakura is abruptly cut off as the sounds of gunshots assail her ears.

"Oh, shit!"

"Villains have car chases, too," Sasuke says dryly as Sakura shrieks, "Not funny!" and ducks behind her car seat.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!"

"Sakura, calm down," he says with exasperation as he takes a sharp turn. The cars chasing them follow and Sakura sees a guy pop out of the roof of each and point guns at them.

"Ah! Ah! Sasuke! They have guns!"

"Well, here's your chance to live your fantasy of wanting to be in a battle," Sasuke says, and pulls from his pocket an entire M-16 assault rifle.

"You have got to be shitting me!"

"Here you go," Sasuke says, handing the gun to her. She stares at it in disbelief. "It's already loaded, now start shooting."

Sakura, her hands shaking, pointed the gun.

And suddenly, the city, the car, the pursuers fade away and she and Sasuke are standing in a wide field, in the thick of a battle. "Shit!" she shouts, and instinctively jumps closer to Sasuke.

"Calm down, Sakura," he says, adjusting his own M-16 assault rifle. "Shoot the guys with blue hats."

"I can't! I can't kill anyone!" she says desperately.

Sasuke stops fixing his gun and glares at Sakura. "Are you telling me that I took you here for no reason?"

"No?" she squeaks as a grenade explodes to her left. She jumps.

"Then start shooting, mon amour."

_What did he just call me?_

Sakura points her gun at a man in a blue hat.

Suddenly, that whole scene jumps away and now they are in what appeared to be an asylum for insane people. "Sasuke," Sakura whimpers. "I'm seriously planning on knocking your brains out. Then eating them."

He lifts as eyebrow. "I'm not doing anything."

"Like hell you are!"

Her statement seems to upset one of the patients, for he starts screaming. Creepily enough, everybody in the room stops what they're doing, turn to face Sakura and Sasuke and start screaming. Her heart pumped quickly as she drew close to Sasuke and everybody in the room takes a step closer to them, then another step, then another and another, still screaming . . .

Now they are in a field full of flowers, empty save for them and the blue, blue sky. She is wearing a yellow sundress and is lying in the field right next to Sasuke, her hand with the black ring on it covered in his. "What's going on?" she whispers.

He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses it and she feels a tingle spread through her body. "You don't know?"

"No . . ."

"It doesn't matter." He moves so that his body is hovering over hers, his dark eyes just _gazing _at her. "It doesn't matter . . ."

She closes her eyes as his lips brush against hers, just barely.

She feels the field melt away and then she is lying on something soft. She opens her eyes to find herself in her bedroom, Sasuke in the doorway. "I'll be back soon," he says.

Then he leaves.

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**what did you think of it? leave a review, please! :)**


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